You want this guy to be the one but is he really ready for commitment to you?

You may look for clues in your relationship, trying to read between the lines. You wish to feel safe and secure. The more clues you see that he’s committed, the more you relax and allow yourself to imagine a rosy future.

However, it is possible that you want it so badly  you only hear what you want to hear. You see a commitment that is not really there. Then, he says the words and you believe them.  Even when your gut is screaming that there’s something off.

Take things slowly. Make sure his actions match his words. Look for these 7 signs that his actions don’t measure up to his promises.

1. You Initiate Everything

Take an inventory of the following things:

  • Who made the first contact?
  • When was the last time he initiated texting?
  • Does he always seem to drop off from the text conversation?
  • Who proposed the last 3 dates?
  • Does plan the activities for time spent together?

If you are doing a disproportionate amount of the initiating, then it could be a sign that he’s not ready for commitment. Step back and see if he steps up.

2. He Hasn’t Deactivated Dating Apps

He says that he isn’t using dating apps anymore. In fact, he tells you that he isn’t seeing anyone else. You’re thrilled when he insists that he doesn’t want to date anyone but you. But you know that his profile is still active on one or more dating sites. He hasn’t deleted the apps from his phone.  It’s hard to admit, but it surely feels like he is keeping his options open.

3. He Cancels at the Last Minute

Sure, things come up. However, most people are able to keep most plans most of the time. If he has canceled on you more than once, he might not be ready for commitment. If he cancels at the last minute, he’s not respecting your time.  If he’s ready for commitment, respect for you and your time should be a priority.

4. You Never Meet the People in His Life

He says that he wants you to meet his friends. He tells you what it will be like when you meet his family. However, he never makes any real plans to make that happen. You find that he avoids taking you to work events or anywhere else that you might run into people he knows.

On the other side, he seems to avoid meeting the people in your life. If he repeatedly makes excuses for why he can’t meet your friends, he’s not showing enough interest in you and your life. Ask yourself if he’s really ready for commitment.

5. He Avoids Discussing Issues

You bring up an important issue that you want to discuss. He quickly nips the conversation in the bud. He tells you that he agrees with you. You hear him say that he wants the same things that you want. Since you’re hearing what you want to hear, you let it go in spite of the fact that a part of you feels cut off and unheard. Then you find the behavior never changes, and he still won’t discuss the issue. Clearly, he doesn’t really want to solve the problem.

6. He Keeps Emotional Distance

You fell for him because he was so great at listening to you. You felt like you could tell him anything. It may have felt so good that you didn’t even notice at first that he never shares his own feelings. You try to find out what’s going on inside of him, and he changes the subject back to you. You’re starting to feel like his science project!  And you have no idea what he’s really thinking and feeling or where his vulnerabilities lie.   If he isn’t letting you in emotionally, then there is a problem.

7. You Think He’s Keeping Secrets

If your gut says that he’s keeping secrets, then there is a good chance that he might be. First examine your own history – do you tend towards jealousy and fears of abandonment? If so, perhaps it might be good to work on these issues with a professional. If you don’t normally have those feelings – trust your instincts! Either way, it’s worth exploring these feelings with him in depth. If it turns out that he’s keeping secrets, then he probably isn’t ready for commitment to making things work.


If you find yourself falling for men that say one thing but mean another, therapy can help you understand why and make changes. Learn more about singles counseling for women here

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